Thursday, February 23, 2012

This stupid thing called Emotion!

He's been gone a week! I didn't think I'd miss him so soon, but I miss him! To combat the feeling, I write like a mad woman. I write about anything and everything—silly things and stupid things! It helps some. That's all I've done in the last few days and now my energy shifted. Painting is something I could always do but the feeling is not there. Paint brushes and paint tubes sit on the kitchen table. A blank paper awaits to be swallowed by various colors and images my emotion represents. Instead, I pick up the dust mop and go through the entire apartment one more time—today.

I take a walk under a cloudy sky and heads toward the direction of the mall, five minutes away. A headache suddenly hits and it tells me a change in barometric pressure is underway. I continue to walk. At the mall, nothing invites my senses but a bag of mixed nuts from a small community store. The warm sweet smell of banana spring rolls wafted through the air. It's coming from the kitchen—in the back. I thought Sean might like one or two. I take two to go and eat half when I arrive home. It's after 3 in the afternoon—my first bite of the day.

He calls as I am writing this piece, but I don't hear the phone. It's in my purse in the living room. A 'bling' sound from my laptop alerts me—there's a voicemail waiting—a message from him. "Oh, to hear your voice makes me ache for you. I miss you—the entire you!"

Dark clouds are rolling in and the headache intensifies—so does my emotion. I'm going to let lose and cry now. No real reason, but just because that's how I feel right now. Sean came home from school about an hour ago and thankfully he's napping. He leaves for night school in about an hour. I have time to cry. When he wakes, I hope he will not notice that I've been crying otherwise he will teasingly say, "menopausing mom?" He will lovingly smile and add, "or are you sad because you miss him"?

"I miss you, but happy that you are taking this time to be on your own and doing your thing—your own writing. I love you and I'll see you soon!" 

But I'm a big girl, and this is what big girls do. 

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